The Columbarium: In Deepest Sympathy
The Columbarium is a free, weekly newsletter where the history of death and dying meets practical advice about the same. Enjoy this issue from the archive—and if you like it, consider signing up!
Snail mail may be on the decline, but one type of physical mail is still going strong: the sympathy card.
According to Hallmark, sympathy cards account for 6% of their non-seasonal sales. That may not sound like a lot, but The New York Times reported that we purchase 90 million sympathy cards each year. And at the height of the deadly COVID-19 pandemic, stores across the country sold out of sympathy cards entirely.
When my parents died, we received dozens of them—sometimes in the mail, but more often at the memorial services, placed directly in my hands before a big hug. I loved reading people’s handwritten notes, full of sweet memories with my parents. I didn’t always love the sentiments printed inside the cards. I’m not religious, so promises of heavenly reunions didn’t provide much comfort. And how many times can one person read the phrase “in deepest sympathy” before it loses its meaning?
Not that I blame the people who sent cards! They were just trying to be kind. But where did we get the idea to send sympathy cards in the first place? And why can’t the greeting card companies ever print anything real inside? “This sucks” would be a lot better than “thoughts and prayers,” at least for me.
Initially, these cards weren’t sympathetic at all. In the 19th and early 20th centuries, they were known as funeral cards, and they were sent by the families of the deceased, rather than the other way around. They basically said, hey, so-and-so is dead. Come to the funeral at this day and time. The end.
These invitations were pretty bleak—typically black, and if they had any illustration, it would be something like a gravestone. Eventually, people began looking for a nice way to respond to funeral cards. And that’s where the burgeoning greeting card industry comes in. Hallmark started to print sympathy cards in the 1920s.
A 1977 study by C.H. Lippy of more than 200 sympathy cards found that none of them referred to death directly. But that was a long time ago, right? Surely things have changed. A 2017 study by R.W. Hallett of 134 sympathy cards found that one of them used the word “death.”
Other themes in these and similar studies include religion—though direct references to God are becoming less common, and more neutral words like “faith” are becoming more common—and the idea of shared grief. The idea that there are “no words” to say in the face of loss was also common—which is where the card comes in, I suppose.
But that’s the whole point! We have to find the words. Sympathy suggests a separation from the subject: I feel sorry for you. But death touches all of us, so empathy cards would be more appropriate. Don’t you think?
One of these days I’ll get around to making a line of empathy cards. But in the meantime, try to at least acknowledge a death has occurred the next time you send a sympathy card.
Sources: The New York Times, Hallmark,
Calderwood KA, Alberton AM. “Consoling the Bereaved: Exploring How Sympathy Cards Influence What People Say.” Omega (Westport). 2024 Mar;88(4):1572-1590. doi: 10.1177/00302228211065958. Epub 2022 Jan 26. PMID: 35081840; PMCID: PMC10838468.
Linda Colburn, “The language and rhetoric of sympathy cards: a generic convention.” California State University, Northridge, 2005.